Behind the brightest green
by Liz Black
Summary: ... you will see the unbearable pain of losing someone you cared about, someone you loved. Harry doesn't seem to be able to take the pain anymore after losing his late godfather. Short and sad. Post OOTP. Please read and review. Thanks.


Hello over there!

So, here you can obviously see one of my one-shots! But not just anyone, no! This is the first one that I'm translating into English so please**: HAVE MERCY**! I'm trying really hard to keep the grammar as acceptable as possible!

Disclaimer: As usual nothing belongs to me, I'm just lending the charas and I promise that I'm gonna give them back! Oh, and I never saw money for that. Everything here is just for fun!

_**The Story**_: _Based on book number five and this is actually 'happening' sometime in the beginning of their sixth year. Well, I had my lot of thoughts about how everybody is dealing with the death of that admirable and one and only Padfoot. I have previously written about Tonks and also considered Remus' way of dealing with it. __**But: **__In my opinion Harry is still the most vulnerable of 'survivors'. Here's my way of expressing it._

_**Feedback and therefore reviews are very very appreciated**_! Flames are used to light my cigarettes!

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**Behind the brightest green**

I'm sitting here.

I'm sitting here with my friends. I'm sitting in our common room. In my favourite chair.

I hear them.

I hear them talking.

I hear that they are laughing at some kind of joke. A small smile steals itself on my lips.

I see out of the corner of my eyes that they noticed this smile.

I see that they are relieved.

I passed their test.

For now.

But I can also see what they are unable to notice.

…Me…

They see the 'Boy-Who-Lived'.

They see the big Harry Potter in front of them but nevertheless they don't see _me_.

Who asked me whether I want to be the hero of the nation?

Who asked me whether I wanted to be made god-like just because I'm Harry Potter?

Who asked me whether I want to be part of a prophecy?

Who asked me whether I want to take extra training sessions in Defence against the Dark Arts?

Who asked me whether I want to defeat Voldemort?

Nobody.

Nobody asked me.

Nobody gives a damn whether I'm able to do it.

Nobody seems to care that I could die trying.

They all just see Voldemort's Fall.

…My destiny…

But what will happen after I fulfilled my destiny?

Will they finally become aware of me?

Will they look at me in a different point of view?

An unbelieving snore escapes my lips.

Surely not.

But still.

I had hope.

And that hope was you.

You stood by my side.

It didn't matter to you that I was famous. You have been there for me.

At the beginning as a very good advice-giving friend, then you grew up to something like a big brother that I never had. And last year I had the strong feeling to have found a father.

A father who was everything that I could only dream of.

Somebody, who's smiling at you, who's giving you a shoulder to cry on, who's consoling you whenever you need it the most.

But you will never smile at me again.

You will never give me a shoulder to cry on again.

You will never console me again.

Why?

Why did you leave when I needed you the most?

…A shadow spreads over my face.

Of course I know why you left.

Because of me.

It was my fault.

My fault because you came into the Ministry to save me.

My fault that you had to duel with her.

My fault that you fell through the veil.

My fault because I didn't try to bring you back.

To save you.

…Like you used to save me…

Everybody is telling me that I should move on.

That I have to move on.

Because I still have to defeat Voldemort for them.

Again an unbelieving snort.

Can I really free them of this monster?

Am I really able to win a war against one of the cruellest tyrants in the Wizarding World?

Can I fulfil my destiny?

I can't.

…I have to…

Because they want me to.

Because they believe in me.

Is that important to me?

Not really.

You were important to me.

You are important to me.

You will always be important to me.

It did matter that _you_ believed in me.

That you thought I could make it.

That you stood by my side.

My eyes are starting to water.

Like every time when I'm thinking of you.

I bid my good-byes to them. Go upstairs into my dorm and lay on my bed. I close my eyes.

I can see your face in front of me.

Can see you smiling.

Can see that look with that you would only look at me.

…I miss you…

More than everything else in the world.

But you will never be able to embrace me again.

Never again.

I put my head in my hands.

I don't even try to stop the tears from falling.

Only one thought inside my head.

…It was my fault…

My fault that more innocents are going die.

My fault that more _loved ones_ are going to die.

But I can't do anything.

Nothing.

Because of you.

I look up into the sky and I can see the Dog Star.

Your star.

…

Sirius,

I'm sorry.

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_**Well, that's it, basically. Hope you liked it at least a little! **__****_

**PLEASE REVIEW BEFORE I'M STARTING TO TRANSLATE MY OTHER ONE-SHOTS!!**

_**Did I hit the mood? How were the expressions? How did you like it?**_

_**Yours, Liz!**_


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